Today’s thought

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Pulling teeth

Today I had a tooth pulled. I told the dentist I bet he didn’t get too many “old” babies. I am terrified of pain. I don’t like it, will do just about anything to skip around it, over it, or just delete it completely. Finally after it was all said and done. In about an hour after being I the chair, my tooth was out! I survived! Yay me! And I have soft foods and Percocet for a few days.  My jaw hurts from the pressure, expected for a few days. But I will survive, thank G-D. I was saying prayers all through the procedure when I’d tense up. Kept thinking about   Psalm 46:10. “Be still and know that I am G-D” that was such a verse of safety and heavenly hugs for me. I was still and took a deep breath and exhaled; and thank G-D it was all over. 

Shabbat night lights

Shabbat, oh how I yearn for you. Your quiet, gentle brightness. The candles flicker ever so gently, many becoming one, with just just one light and a blessing. Covering so many in compassion. Holding off the darkness in a world that is usually so bright with things not of G-d. That one flicker, one match, can reverse the darkness into brightness that is so beautiful, yet not glaring. Bright, yet calm and reflective. I love when I light my candles with your brightness, coming to your silence, you and me time. Just special for our relationship to grow. Special teaching from you only. In the quiet peace of Shabbat, no matter where I am, I make sure to keep my daddy date! I want to know you. I want to bask in your love. I want to be your girl all the days, but on Shabbat it’s for real, it’s official you are here for me, to pick up where we left off to share more of your peace, more of your gentleness, more of your Torah. By experiencing this light from you to me each week, you share your connection of wisdom and knowledge, just by stopping and listening to your still small voice, that ever resonates within me. Everyday it resonates, but there is so much other brightness glaring at me, so much noise to shut out your peace. Shabbat is like going into a padded room with super sound barriers put up. I can only hear You! Only see You. That is your Shabbat of peace. At the end of our special weekly time together, I know you are still there, still talking and listening, but still I am so sad to see the flicker of the lights at Havdalah be snuffed out. Even with the smell of the sweet spices and songs of peace, it’s knowing that Shabbat is only 6 more days away, it is in that knowing that I can’t wait for the days to rush by in their harsh brightness, for Your soft warmth and love which by Your command and the passing of my hands around my candles, bringing in the Shabbat to my home. It is at that moment, encircling the light of love, thinking if hugging You and welcoming You into my life every week for our special time. Then I know I am home.

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Fancy forgetting…

I am terrible at remembering things. things I don’t use everyday. Things I don’t think I have to remember, until that day when, oops, gotta remember THAT! I’m sure the powers that be inside my computer think, what a dingbat!!, I have to change my passwords and numbers at least every other month! Its just ridiculous! I used to be really great at remembering, everything!. Plays in HS, I could read the script ONCE, and pretty much by rote, know everyone’s line in the play, I’d be the one that when someone would say “line”, I would know the next line to be said. My parents used to call me their “walking telephone book”. Because I was always able to spit out “so and so’s phone number” or address, or whatever on the spot! Now I can spit out my gum, but that is about it! I think its a combination of, getting older, too many things to remember, I don’t know how people do it! seriously! I even write everything down, and then for some reason, I am not where my written list is, so I have to reset, then I write in down on some paper in my purse to transfer later to the paper at home, but forget…scary…really it is..And the funny part is, I do things that are supposed to help the brain remember things, little games, and puzzles, but STILL have issues…I hope its not just me.

Anyway, just had to reset my all my blogs and my email and my …….fill in the blank! If anyone could win the gold medal for not being able to remember stuff, or forgetting too much, I’d win hands down! Or brain cells down.. Oy vey, where is the Calgon? .

Yep, being the I love all the new techno stuff that comes out. I am just praying that the next big thing that does come out, that I can remember ~ One, how to work it. Two, where I put it. and Three….what was I saying…?????

Why I believe in God

I know in today’s world, there are so many ways people think of God. Some think the God of the Bible, and some are into ” things”, whether, material or spiritual. Some just believe in self, the goodness of man, and the existence of things around us, are God. I have a bit of a different view, only as I have seen God through out my life, in so many scenarios, that I can only write about after each thing has passed.

I have always believed in God, a higher being. I love that we have all the things in life, such as flowers and trees, rivers and streams, and of course animals and each other, but I do believe each of these things came from an original source. Each one of us is created in his image, I believe as stated in the Bible. I read my Scriptures, and pray and study out as much as I can to understand the God I believe in , even though I know I will never understand him.

here are a few things that prove to me over, coincidence and universal “thought” that there is a God, not gods, as thought of by our ancestors of Greco/Roman era, and many others today. But only one God. There is a prayer in Hebrew that most Jews say every day, some three times a day, “Shema Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad. Deuteronomy 6:4. Translated it says, “Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God the Lord is ONE.” In Hebrew thought the “Shema” or ” Hear” is more than something you do with your ear. but an actual verb meaning to HEAR and DO . So I try to incorporate these things into my life daily. Trying to be a better person, wife, mom, friend, sister in law, daughter in law. So I pray everyday, and sometimes, its a running prayer all day.

When I got divorced from my kid’s dad. There was plenty of bitterness to go around. And since he had them during the school week, mostly and I had them on my time off, we tried to work it so we both had them during the week splitting the days up. He basically told me NO, that he wouldn’t do that. But that he would think about it, and let me know by Wednesday. That was on a Friday. the weekend came and went, and by Monday I got a call, and he said he thought it would be a great idea. (wow), and he was pretty stubborn guy, so this was a huge surprise. I’ll never know why he changed his mind, as he is now deceased, but I do know that I prayed hard that weekend, for his mind to be changed, that we could work it out somehow, and we did. I always prayed that we would have peace about us someday. We had many exchanges like that over the years with regards to the kids, insurance, kids schools, parties for the kids etc. and yet, with all the bitter feelings, over time, God allowed us to be friends. someone to just call and shoot the breeze with, have a laugh with . Most divorced people can’t say that.

When I got into an accident back in 2004. It was September, it was raining cats, dogs and small elephants! really!:), It was raining enough that the laws of the state of WA are to drop your speed 20 or more miles per hour. I dropped mine, adequately to those statutes. But non the less, as I was driving home from work, I encountered a large truck to my right, which “showered” me with even more water as it sped past my small compact, sending more water into my rutted lane, and with that I felt the car “hydroplane” through two complete spins THROUGH the high speed lane, into the concrete divider and back again , backwards! Since I had done what the law required, I was not at fault. I remember seeing car lights, larger than normal, the rain magnifying them, I had no control of the car. Ironically, as I finally stopped on the freeways shoulder, several people came to see if I was ok. The air bag DID NOT deploy, as I hit the concrete on the side, not head on, twice! It totally shook my frame and steering column where it shouldn’t be driven. I got out of the car, to see the damages, and a cop pulled in behind me, I was standing in ankle high water on the side! I had some issues with my back and neck, which exacerbated my Fibromyalgia and I was out of work for a month, The car was totaled. But two things that showed me God had a hand on my life. I wasn’t killed, or even hit by another car, while careening through the high speed lane and backwards into it again, on a Saturday night, close to an on/off ramp. And secondly, the cop said he thought my car was ok to drive. So I tried to drive it. The steering column was totally a miss by the jolt of the hitting the cement divider twice. So I had to hold the steering wheel in “exact” position to get it to move the way I wanted it, In the rain, in traffic, through the high speed lane, and the middle lane AND the slow lane to get off the freeway, over an overpass. Another car saw my struggles, and got behind me and put their flashers on so I would be protected. Secondly, I got off the next street and parked the car. It wouldn’t start or move, so I had to call a tow truck. I didn’t have AAA, so the tow would have cost me, but the guy towed me for free and gave me a ride home in his truck, taking my car to my house. Fortunately I had insurance and got another car out of it, but had to rent for a couple weeks, thankfully that was covered too.

In 2004, about two mos after this accident. I was shopping at a large store in the mall. I was in the perfume section, and it was the holidays so there were displays galore, more than usual there. By one of the displays, something had gotten spilled, or knocked over and no one had cleaned it up, and there wasn’t a “caution, wet floor sign” either. Guess who went flying in the air, cell phone one way, purse another, and me on my hip, down on the hard, cold, Italian tile! OUCH! Anyway, after I got help to sit down, I felt really shaken, and was limping, but ok. I got up, slowly and painfully, and went on with the rest of my evening. (you know what they say about the physical reflects the spiritual and vice versa), there was a lesson in this, that I didn’t see until much later, unfortunately. But my heavenly Father, was just trying to get my attention for what he had later in store for me. His timing is always perfect! I was able to get a small settlement from them for my medical bills, and there out of work another two weeks!

July 2005, I had just changed jobs, to be closer to home with out the hour commute one way. I was newly engaged to a wonderful man that treated me like a queen! This was part of the previous lesson, as in that I had just met my “now” husband, just before this, but wasn’t in a relationship or dating him just yet. God was trying to tell me, “I have better for you over here”, I just had to be stopped in my tracks to see it, (why do I have to be so stubborn!), Anyway, I was at a stop light (again, not my fault) and a young girl, was not paying attention and hit me from the back. As I was watching this play out in my rear view mirror and was unable to stop her. I tried to let my foot off the brake and figured if she hit me I would go into the universal turn lane, and not into the back of the p/u in front of me, maybe being beheaded. I wanted to keep my head, so quickly I aimed my wheels in that direction as there weren’t any cars there at that time for several car lengths. It happened so fast, but watching it was s-l-o-w-m-o-t-i-o-n . The air bags didn’t deploy as she hit me, and catapulted me about 4 car lengths. (fortunately she was only going about 40. I was stopped for traffic). But I didn’t see that, now in the universal turn lane(left turn) lane their was a pick up truck coming TOWARDS me, we try playing chicken but that didnt work, as we couldn’t go into oncoming traffic, so we hit, she ended up on my hood! (I also had my fiancee’s son with me, we were going to Michael’s, I wanted to get more beads..) We were both injured, mine ended me up being taken by ambulance. When Martin heard about it, he said, “He thought I was gone” , the way Travis told him we had gotten in an accident. He just had gotten home from work, and then came over to the hospital immediately! I had cuts and bruises, internal damage that they didn’t see with the xray, and head injuries, and corneal abrasion on my eye. burns from the air bags etc..It was pretty bad. But what I remember, is several things. My new fiancee did all my dealings with insurance, etc, and we weren’t even married yet! I was pretty messed up mentally, at that time, diagnosed with PTSD,(Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder)~ he could have walked away, but didn’t. God was with me there all the time, showing me which path to take, and having a loving fiancee, to pray with, and have his guidance too, just made it that much more awesome. I tried to go back to work, after that, and got fired. Yep, two weeks after that , I heard that it was because I had too many doctor appointments! Seriously!? But again, this was God’s hand. Because even though I wanted to work, he knew that me staying home and making a home would be the best choice for my new marriage. Hubby wanted me to stay home anyway, It did cause a lot of medical problems down the road, but nothing that with God and a loving hubby I couldn’t handle.

With in the first two years of our marriage, there were medical issues, three surgeries, due to the accident. one was foreseen the other two not. By 2007, I had had a knee surgery, gall bladder removal and bladder almost exploding on me. ( my seat belt although saving my life, probably, did damage on my body as it was so tight, and the air bags hit me in face and upper body(as I am so short)(they make those things for people like 5’6, I’m just 5’2), anyway, they made external bruises and internal bruising and damage to kidney bladder gall bladder, etc..very hard on the body. Before this I never went to the Dr. or saw a hospital except to have a baby, or my ear surgeries many years ago. God had his hand on me and helped us. As the night I had my surgery, there wasn’t a room for hubby to stay the night and we were an hour away from home. So he stayed in the car overnight! The next day, they said they didn’t have room on either floor, and he was planning on going home that night. A couple hours later, they came in and said, they couldn’t explain it, as a couple of patients who weren’t scheduled to go home until the weekend, were going home today, and so they would have a private room with a cot for us coming up. God is so amazing, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In 2007, I went to apply for disability. After other things that continued to make my health decline, physically and mentally, I was no longer able to hold a full time job in the type of job I was used to and had schooling and training for. So, with some intrepidation and discouragement, I filed. I got rejected, once, twice. I was told that I didn’t have appropriate documentation from medical sources to be found disabled. As I mentioned before, I had car accidents (not my fault), and a slip and fall, (not my fault), and I didn’t have insurance, as I didn’t have a job though some of that time, so I had to go to the local clinic. And because they only prescribe “aleve” or other things, basic to pain relief, and they are not MD’s only MA, or NP’s the SSA doesn’t recognize their statements. So finally, I had the state send me to two of THEIR doctors. Both concluded that I could return to work. Ok, so I got an attorney, that worked with Disability claims. She was awesome! Got my paperwork sent back in to SSA. Well, again, they were saying that it looked slim, and that I would have to come before a judge. In the middle of all this, we moved 700 miles away, and my atty couldn’t help me anymore as she wasn’t licensed in the new state. so I would have to find new representation! the closest was an hour away, and I couldn’t drive in the snow, we had that first winter. So, I was still awaiting the court date. I got a call from SSA and they said that my court date would be in about 30 days, and I was going to have to drive about 2 hrs away to the capital to see a judge. I said that I don’t drive in this weather, he said it didn’t matter I’d have to be there, no matter how I got there! So, I asked God, if there were a way not to go before the judge. Again, remembering I had been told that my documentations from the clinics and such didn’t amount to the things that they wanted to hear/see. So I felt doomed. About 3 days later I get a call from my atty(she would give up representation when I got a new atty), but wasn’t able to do that, because of the weather. anyway, she called me and said, that since I was coming up on my 50th birthday, that SSA would amend my claim to fully favorable, if I didn’t go for back pay. So I wouldn’t have to go before a judge at all. I told her, that would be fine. She finished filing the papers for me , in a different state, as she could do that for me. I didn’t have to get separate representation in my new state. AND she didn’t charge me a dime! ( sent her a gift for her time)

Since you have to wait a 6 mo period before you get your 1st check, I had to wait until June, but I got a fully favorable decision, WITH my documents. Oh, and the two state Doctors that I saw, that said I could go back to work? The judge that got the case in my absence, said that their statements would be “THROWN OUT” – as they didn’t consider my other medical issues and how they played into the course of each other!

My son just got married on June 22 2013. But at the time, since hubby was out of work, and we didn’t have any way for me to go to the wedding, I was just sunk! I was so sad. But I prayed, that God would allow me to go and see him get married, see some friends, new and old, to see both of my kids. About 2 mos before the wedding, we were able to put a ticket aside, and my hubby said “you go ahead, I’ll stay with the animals and keep looking for work”. I felt so guilty leaving him home with the “chores” while I was having fun. But it was his selflessness, that let me go, as literally a month later he would have a new job, where we are now. So he could have come with me, if there would have been one extra ticket in the monies, looking back.( I was pretty strapped, no rental car, or hotel), but as God would have it, I had some really nice new and old friends willing to drive me around, and we spent some great times with each other, it was a nice honeymoon to come home to also, as it had been two weeks between seeing each other.. I also got to say good bye to my kids dad. In August, just two weeks shy of his 65th birthday he passed away. Ironically the same day we got our new job. So the day started with a very sad phone call, but ended with a job offer and a move. Coincidence,? I don’t think so.

Recently, we have moved, most know that. What most didn’t know was that in the 14 weeks we have been here, my hubby has been out of work about 4 of those weeks. The timber market, and weather conditions and the holidays, have made him with out a pay check from work. Fortunately, again, God came through for us. We were able to get help just before we moved as we were without a job at all,( for a year) so that helped with food and other bills. Then just this week, we thought we would have to apply for another week of Unemployment to supplement in between the weeks he was off, At work, they gave out bonuses, nice ones too, to the guys that had been there over 6 mos. And my hubby came home last week telling me this, and I said “Oh well, next year you will get one”. When my honey came home Friday. I asked him, how work was. He said “really good” , I said, “talk to me” what is really good? And he showed me a bonus check! He said that not everyone else with less than 6 mos got one, only guys with more than 6. And so they didn’t have to give him a bonus this year, but they did. God is so good.

Also, most of you know, we had our son in Afghan recently. We knew he wanted to go, but knew that we didn’t really want him to go. So we prayed that if there was anyway of getting him out of it, we pleaded. Well right before he went he was having back issues, yet he thought he is young and tough and can deal with it. I kept praying, I even said to my husband, that maybe his “back” is a way out. He agreed.  Even on Shabbat(Sabbath), about two months ago,  I started ligthing 4 candles for our 4 boys, plus the two I light as reminder of creation and redemption, 2 for husband and wife ~ as a reminder to make extra prayers for them on Shabbat. Guess what happened next?  He is HOME! Thank God! He was able to come home to seek help for his back, and doesn’t have to go back. The military isn’t like that usually from what I have heard and seen, in my own family and friends. This was divine intervention, again.

If you ever wonder why stuff happens, maybe look up and invite God to be involved in your life. It will make a huge difference in how things are. I know, I am living it.
I have been through a lot in my life, and this is just a bit of it, but I know that I am guided by something different than just the universal laws of attraction, etc. Not to say they aren’t there, but I think that God uses everything to work into the best for us, if we give him the glory. I do believe that.

So I know that there is a God. I believe in Him totally to guide and direct my life, I try to live within his guidelines, the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, Genesis through Deuteronomy. Plus I glean much from the other books that are found inside its bindings. Old and new. I wish more people knew him the way I do. I hope and pray that more will rely on him in the future. Seek him out see what he has in store for you. Like a diamond, you have to dig and search but He is there, always waiting to help us, if we just “seek and ye shall find”.